No, No, No!

by tedgar | More from this Blogger

Yes, this is about no. Four-year-olds love to push boundaries, and sometimes my boundaries can feel mighty pushed. I find four-year-old temper tantrums very difficult to deal with, too. At two years old, my toddler was easily distracted.

"I want a cookie! I want a cookie!"

"No, dear, you've already had a cookie."

"I want a cookie!"

"Oh, my - look at that garbage truck!"

"Garbage truck? Oh, garbage truck!"

At four, our tantrums seem to revolve around the same business: treats, toys, and television. However, my daughter is much less willing to be distracted.

"I want a cookie!"

"No, dear, you've already had a cookie."

"I want another cookie!"

"No more cookies today."

"I want another cookie! I like cookies! You never, ever give me any cookies!"

"Tomorrow is another dessert night."

"If you don't give me another cookie, I am never eating cookies again!"

(Incoherent screaming about cookies)

As a child, I was a stubborn little person and I had many time outs. In those days, they were called "Go to your room Right Now!" However, I don't recall being particularly put out by going to my room or to any other place. As an older child, I would actually escape from my room, climb out the window and play in the yard.

What works for us? Well, futility works. I believe that children need to be able to experience coming up against a wall, being angry with that wall and then finding other ways to happy. My daughter can get very, very angry. When I can't diffuse it, I let her be angry. Afterwards, we have a time in and discuss what happened. We sit and snuggle and discuss what is going on. We talk about consequences. These talks work, but they only work after a spate of anger.

The key is that I need to remain sane and balanced during the tantrum. While she's screaming, I remind her that I am here when she needs me. I don't walk away, but I disengage from the tantrum. I let her rail against authority as long as she doesn't hurt herself or others. After a while, she is no longer as angry. The big emotions have passed, and we're able to talk rationally about the situation.

What do you do with a child who is ready to tantrum?

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Tricia Edgar is a mom of one lovely daughter. Before her daughter was born, she decided to be guided by the needs of her child, and this led her to attachment parenting philosophies.

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